Where's the whistle? Lifeguard?! Can you call a break???

I always hated break time at the pool. All the kids get out and let the adults swim alone. LAME.
For the first time since I got pregnant with my sweet John, I actually feel like I need a break. I adore my children. I would move heaven and earth for them, they are everything to me. But I'm exhausted. Saying that makes me feel like a bad mom. I'm one of those people who talks crap about part time parents. I'm not, nor will I ever be a "part time parent". I have had one child-free night in two years, and that was for a work training, with a work partner, I was in bed by 8, and I was pregnant with Maggie. LOL Other than that, John has spent about 5 nights at his Aunt Sarah's with his Lala, and then the two nights I was gone giving birth. I haven't been home alone longer than 30 minutes in 2.5 years (since John was born). And for the most part, this is EXACTLY how I want it. I feel like when they are not with me, I am not me. Because my identity has become "Mom". I LIKE that. I don't want to miss anything with my kids. I get jealous if anyone else is with them, and I miss them so much it hurts. I don't work full time, because mentally and emotionally, I wouldn't be healthy away from my kids. It would make me a sad, resentful person. I don't care about money. I like nice things, of course. But I can do with out them. I don't care what other people think, as long as me and my family are happy.
It's always been a pet peeve of mine to hear about people who drop their kids off with their parents all the time, of any other person. I mean, if you have children, it is YOUR responsibility to take care of them, physically, emotionally, etc. Not anyone else's, just your's.
I think what I'm getting at is that I'm ready for a day for me. I want to sleep in, and lay around in the bed, and relax and THINK. Maybe even read. I don't even need 24 hours, just 12 hours of guilt-free, child-free, quiet time. Maybe I'll book a room at a B&B for my hubby and I........or maybe I'll keep thinking about it. :)

Email Story Idea

I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to remember all of these stories about Phil to tell the children. He had too many friends, with lots of stories! So the kids now have their own email, especially for stories! If you have a story about Phil, or just want to write a letter to my kids or husband, regarding Phil, you can now send them an email! The email is stricklandchildren@yahoo.com

I would like for you to put some info in the subject to help me categorize. Is it for everyone? for John? for Maggie? George? is it a story? a letter? something you want me to give them at a specific time?

For example if you are writing a story for everyone to have: the subject would say: Story/Everyone

Or if it's a letter to John: the subject would say: Letter/John

I plan to print these off and put them in a notebook for the kids. It would be nice if you would include any contact info about yourself, or how you know Phil, etc. Basically this is so I can get all the information I can about Phil for the kids and get it in one place. I'll print them out, but I'll also save the emails in the email and let the kids have access one day. You can also send photos. And if the stories are R-rated make sure to put that in the subject line too. I know with Phil, there are bound to be some R-rated stories! HAHA PLEASE help me with this little project for my kids!!!! THANKS!!!

I'm not good at blog post titles....

"I miss you so much. I have never understood it when people say they miss someone so much it hurts. I have never lost someone too soon until now. Every second of everyday I miss you. I miss you so much for the kids. J started soccer camp today and when I got a chance to be alone I finally broke down. You were looking forward to this week, taking him to camp and being with him for his first time participating in sports. This is so hard. I just miss you. "
This is the message I left on Facebook tonight in the RIP Phil page. I have obviously lived an easy life. I never knew it until now. But now I know. My great-grandma died at the age of 103 in 2008, when I was 25 years old. It was sad, but it didn't HURT like this. I was sad to say goodbye to her, but I really was okay with it. And I did love her. She was and still is one of my favorite people. She is the best role model I've ever had, and I still want to be just like her. I miss her. I love her. But I don't HURT for her.

Phil was the first person in my life to die tragically, and too soon. I have all my grandparents (except for my father's father, who died tragically when my father was 12, so I never knew him), I have all aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings, friends. I have attended very few funerals in my life and with the exception of my Nanna, I've never been the "family" of the deceased.

I miss Phil. Almost every thought I have is followed by a thought of Phil. "What's for dinner?"- If Phil were here, I'd be cooking for him too. "John's acting up" -- I can't call Phil for back up. "Maggie's crawling" -- I want to call Phil and tell him. "Driving down the road" -- Every field is one that I've been to with him, picked him up from, etc. I seriously can't THINK. I miss him for my children. Because he loved them SO much. More than anything I've ever seen, he loved my children and my nephew so much. He talked about them constantly. He was so excited when I told him about soccer camp and happily volunteered to take him. John starts preschool soon. Little Red School. Just like George and I and our siblings. We all attended LRS. When I was looking at preschool's to enroll John for the fall, Phil told me that I could only send him to LRS because that's where he wanted him to go and that he would take him and pick him up every day for me. I wish so much that he was here to take him to school. The day of the accident was his last day of planting beans for the season and then he was going to be done working for a while. On the Monday before the accident on the way home from the ball game Phil said to John, "I'm almost done with these beans boy, and then it's going to be you and me all summer, we're gonna do us some stuff!". He also told me that week that he was ready to take Maggie down to the bar (George's Lounge) on the golf cart. He was really gaining confidence with her. He was very confident in his abilities to take care of his grandchildren. He was a GOOD Papa.
I just miss him tremendously. Things are changing BIG time around here. Change is inevitable. But this hurts. I wish he was here. I'm learning to build new relationships with new people. This weekend we had a benefit motorcycle ride for him. I was blessed to meet lots of new people. People who knew him and loved him too. I want to know all these people. I want to remember Phil through his friends, the people he loved. One thing that I truly admire about him, was his ability to love everyone. He never judged. He had friends from all walks of life, and he just didn't judge them. He had redneck friends, black friends, poor friends, rich friends, old friends, young friends, everyone. And everyone who knows him, knows what a good person he was. I want my children to know that. I want them to love like he did.

Right Now....

Right now I have too much to say and no words to say it. I'm going to try to get to my blog asap. But right now I just can't find the words. I'm going to do some sewing this week/weekend and see if that can provide some therapy.

Another night...

I wonder if this is part of my new normal. I'm up again at 3-4 am. I called the nurse around 1:30 am and he was able to update me on some lab results and some medication changes (backing off of some meds). All sounds good. One or two labs not great, but expected changes. Other labs are still trending in a good direction. I remain hopeful. The absolute biggest hurdle at this point will be the aggressive respiratory care that he will need. His lungs are in bad shape. 6 more hours until we hit the 72 hour mark. A small victory when we get there.
George came home tonight, I'm so glad. John and him fell asleep together in our bed and I let them sleep together for about 2 hours and then moved John to his room. It was good for them to snuggle. George is still sleeping well. He needs it.
We are so grateful for all everyone has done for us so far. I thought that we would keep a list and thank everyone later, but I may have to get creative since there are so many people! We'll have Phil cook a bunch of chickens when he gets home and throw a party for all of friends and family. I'd say pig, but Phil doesn't like pig so chickens it is! Looks like that may be next summer before anything like that will be possible. That seems so surreal. I refuse to think anything else though. A long recovery and a full recovery, even if it takes a year. As long as we have God, family, and friends this is all possible. I have never had so much faith as I do right now.
I am completely and utterly overwhelmed with emotion. The full range of everything. I miss Phil's presence in our home. I don't know if I've mentioned it much, but he was here pretty much everyday. Even if just for a few minutes. He ate dinner here once a week or so.....If I cooked something he approved of. He isn't much of a fan of my "healthy" cooking. He's getting better though. He did get his fresh cabbage last week that his mama cooked for him. I'll be freezing and canning as much of the garden as I can to feed to him when he can eat, and if he's lucky, I'll add some fatback. HAHA I miss him here a lot. I desperately want to hear his truck crank up, slowwwwwwwly pull into my driveway, John run to the door and say "Papa here, look Mama, my Papa here!" I need to hear those words again. I need him to get "John's" golfcart out and go riding with John. This is painful, scary, and plain HARD.
It was strange that we got him to go to the ballgame with us Monday. Usually during planting season, he would never have done that. Knocked off early to "play". But John want Papa to go to the "baseball game" SO badly. And when Papa told George he was going, I saw a light in George's eye too. George was so surprised and I think he was secretly just as excited as John that his Dad was going with us. We had a great time. One of the best times. Phil and George talked all the way to Kinston and back. They are best friends. I am so glad that we have that. And when he's better, we'll be back at some ball games. He got a foul ball for John at the game. And he got John a hat, a ball and a bat too. He was sent down to the store to buy John a hat for his little head and came back with a ton of stuff. John's got Papa wrapped around that finger TIGHT!

We need everyone to pray without ceasing. Pray a lot. And while you're praying, remember the doctors, nurses, repiratory therapists, and everyone who is working with Phil during this time. Also, we've met many families in our time already, who are going through many of the same things. Please pray for them too. It's hard to believe that there are so many people hurting so much.

Also, thanks so much to all who came to the farm tonight, today, anytime. Your presence has been noticed and we are so very thankful.

Thank yous

Oh my. What an overwhelming love we have been shown by so many people. I wanted to take a some time and say thanks to everyone who has called or come by.
Also thank you to:

Steve Minor (for a million reasons)
Mecie Nichols
and Falkland EMS for bring lunch on 6-2

Grace Morrison for dinner on 6-2

Blissful Bites and Nichole Reason for lunch on 6-3 and Melissa Bell for delivering.

Huge thanks to all who have brought snacks and drinks to the hospital. It's really nice to be able have those things around we we need them and not have to run around and track stuff down......there are no snack and drink machines up here....weird.

All of the people helping at all of the houses and helping with the kids are awesome. This is an exhausting experience. Our brains are all overwhelmed. It's so wonderful to come home and be able to love on our babies, take a shower and try to get some sleep. I don't know how people do it. It's like life is going on. The laundry is still there, the dishes, the weeds and garden keep growing, the grass is still there, the kids need food, we need food. Life is moving and it feels like we are standing still. I don't know how people do this without support. This is a marathon, and we are just at the beginning. We're starting slow and steady.

Also, HUGE thanks to Lauren Wright and Matthew Hudson, and US Cellular. My phone was hanging on by a thread this morning and I called Lauren. She got me a new phone, brought it to the hospital, activated it, and added my contacts. And she brought a cute pink cover. :) Thank you sooooo much. Also, Lauren and Matt brought us some food and some Diet Mt. Dew, our drug of choice. LOL

I am sure I'm missing people, and I'm going to miss people. We are trying to make a list. So we can remember to thank everyone later.
My sisters, mom and dad have also been awesome. I never doubted that though. They have helped with kids, mom has cleaned house and fed me. Dad has played with the kids and babysat. I'm pretty sure he has still been able to avoid changing a dirty diaper though.......LOL

And Amy, who has helped with kids and helped arrange meals for us.

Thanks everyone. Most importantly please keep praying and passing the prayers on.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/phillipstrickland/journal

Is the caring bridge site for updates.

How do I?

I can't sleep. For the background story on what I'm going to write about go to http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/phillipstrickland

The short version is that on Wednesday June 1st, my father in law, Phil, was farming. At about 9:45 am he attempted to jump start a tractor that was in gear. When the tractor started, he was standing beside it and it pulled him under the back dual tires and the planter that he was using. He was crushed by a tractor. My father in law was run over by a tractor. I keep saying that, and it still doesn't seem real. I truly feel like I'm in a horrible nightmare and I want desperately to wake up. I'm in a fog, I can't think, I can't focus, I can't.
Phil is my father in law. But he is so much more than that to me. He has, from day one, been the one to welcome me into his family with open arms. HE loves me, and I know it. And I love him. He has always made sure that I am taken care of. Through my pregnancies, he would check on me when George was away and working. He takes care of me. He brings me food, he picks up prescriptions if I wasn't feeling well. Without minimizing what my real Daddy is to me, Phil is the absolute next best thing. I've called him Dad for years. He is. I love him so much. I need him to get well. I need him to roll his eyes at me when I tell him I've got to pump. I need him to tell me not to worry about stuff, that it's going to be fine. I need him to roll up to my house with a sandwich from Ballard's or banana pudding from the Rocket. He knows how much I love banana pudding. I just need him. I need him for me. I need him for my husband. He's George's best friend. He has never ever let his faith and pride in George waiver. You will never meet another man who is more proud, or loves his child more than Phil loves George.
Aside from how much I want him for me, or I want him for George. I want him for my son. "Papa" is John's best friend. John is Papa's "little buddy". They have been inseparable since the day John was born. I remember Phil would come over and just hold him for ever. He wanted to "learn" to do everything for John. He learned to change his diaper, he embraced every word that I said an committed it to memory so he didn't mess anything up. When John got to be about 5 months old, Papa started asked for a carseat and started carrying his little Buddy with him everywhere. The field, the John Deere store, the bank, Ballard's, the store. And he shows him off every change he gets. The connection they have is one that is special. And you know it the moment you see them together. John often will ask for Papa before he even thinks about asking for Mommy or Daddy. Anytime John sees Papa's truck or the golf cart pulling up, he grabs his John Deere hat and his boots and says "Papa's here" and runs to the door. When Papa walks in the door John always says "Let's go Papa, Let's get outta here". I want him to say that again. I want him and Papa to ride the golf cart up to the store and get some "straws and candy" (sour power straws and peanut m&m's) and get some "tea tea". John always takes Papa's "tea tea". Papa has a little table in his house just for John, a high chair, a big box of toys, crayons, pack n play. Papa has toys in his yard, he has a carseat in his truck 24/7. One day Phil went to eat lunch with us and rode to Toys R Us with us. He saw the giant tubs of animal cookies and had to have one for his house, just for John. Papa and John are the best of friends. Tonight when John was going to bed he started asking for Papa. It's rare that he goes this long without seeing him. We saw him last on Monday when we went to John's first baseball game. Papa took John down to buy him a hat and came back with a hat, a baseball bat, a baseball he bought, AND a foul ball from the game. It's sitting on the mantle. Papa's time's not up. He has two more babies to do all of these things with, Max and Maggie. Maggie is his "little girl". He thinks she's the prettiest most wonderful thing. He talks all the time about learning "Max and Maggie's little 'tricks'" so he can take care of them. He had asked last week for a lesson in diaper changing on Maggie. He says it's been a while since he's done girls. He has so much left to do, so much left to see. I need him here. I need him here for all of us. We need him here.

It is unbelievable how strong George and Sarah are being through all of this. I keep thinking in my head "How are we going to get through this?" But I know that as long as we lean on each other and lean on the love and support from family and friends, we can do this and we can get our Dad better. These next few weeks will be the most exhausting I think. The many ups and downs of this type of injury. I never realized what people go through. I never wanted to know. But here we are. Taking turns keeping vigil at the hospital. Hanging on every word the doctors say. Jumpy, anxious, scared out of our minds. We want our Dad to get better. He is being cared for by some amazing people. But humans aside, he is being cared for by God. And I need need need, everyone to pray. Pray for healing for Phil, pray for the people caring for him, pray for our family, pray for George and Sarah and Grandma and Grandpa. Pray for John. Pray for Maggie and Max. And let us lean, let us falter, let us meltdown. We will. But with the love and support we've been shown, we know that we can do this. Our "normal" will become something new. It will now be "normal" for us to be at the hospital daily, to spend nights there, our "normal" will never be the same. But we don't care what our "normal" becomes, as long as it is WITH Phil. Life is not normal without him in it. I love him so much. Please just everyone pray. pray. pray. pray.