How do I?

I can't sleep. For the background story on what I'm going to write about go to http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/phillipstrickland

The short version is that on Wednesday June 1st, my father in law, Phil, was farming. At about 9:45 am he attempted to jump start a tractor that was in gear. When the tractor started, he was standing beside it and it pulled him under the back dual tires and the planter that he was using. He was crushed by a tractor. My father in law was run over by a tractor. I keep saying that, and it still doesn't seem real. I truly feel like I'm in a horrible nightmare and I want desperately to wake up. I'm in a fog, I can't think, I can't focus, I can't.
Phil is my father in law. But he is so much more than that to me. He has, from day one, been the one to welcome me into his family with open arms. HE loves me, and I know it. And I love him. He has always made sure that I am taken care of. Through my pregnancies, he would check on me when George was away and working. He takes care of me. He brings me food, he picks up prescriptions if I wasn't feeling well. Without minimizing what my real Daddy is to me, Phil is the absolute next best thing. I've called him Dad for years. He is. I love him so much. I need him to get well. I need him to roll his eyes at me when I tell him I've got to pump. I need him to tell me not to worry about stuff, that it's going to be fine. I need him to roll up to my house with a sandwich from Ballard's or banana pudding from the Rocket. He knows how much I love banana pudding. I just need him. I need him for me. I need him for my husband. He's George's best friend. He has never ever let his faith and pride in George waiver. You will never meet another man who is more proud, or loves his child more than Phil loves George.
Aside from how much I want him for me, or I want him for George. I want him for my son. "Papa" is John's best friend. John is Papa's "little buddy". They have been inseparable since the day John was born. I remember Phil would come over and just hold him for ever. He wanted to "learn" to do everything for John. He learned to change his diaper, he embraced every word that I said an committed it to memory so he didn't mess anything up. When John got to be about 5 months old, Papa started asked for a carseat and started carrying his little Buddy with him everywhere. The field, the John Deere store, the bank, Ballard's, the store. And he shows him off every change he gets. The connection they have is one that is special. And you know it the moment you see them together. John often will ask for Papa before he even thinks about asking for Mommy or Daddy. Anytime John sees Papa's truck or the golf cart pulling up, he grabs his John Deere hat and his boots and says "Papa's here" and runs to the door. When Papa walks in the door John always says "Let's go Papa, Let's get outta here". I want him to say that again. I want him and Papa to ride the golf cart up to the store and get some "straws and candy" (sour power straws and peanut m&m's) and get some "tea tea". John always takes Papa's "tea tea". Papa has a little table in his house just for John, a high chair, a big box of toys, crayons, pack n play. Papa has toys in his yard, he has a carseat in his truck 24/7. One day Phil went to eat lunch with us and rode to Toys R Us with us. He saw the giant tubs of animal cookies and had to have one for his house, just for John. Papa and John are the best of friends. Tonight when John was going to bed he started asking for Papa. It's rare that he goes this long without seeing him. We saw him last on Monday when we went to John's first baseball game. Papa took John down to buy him a hat and came back with a hat, a baseball bat, a baseball he bought, AND a foul ball from the game. It's sitting on the mantle. Papa's time's not up. He has two more babies to do all of these things with, Max and Maggie. Maggie is his "little girl". He thinks she's the prettiest most wonderful thing. He talks all the time about learning "Max and Maggie's little 'tricks'" so he can take care of them. He had asked last week for a lesson in diaper changing on Maggie. He says it's been a while since he's done girls. He has so much left to do, so much left to see. I need him here. I need him here for all of us. We need him here.

It is unbelievable how strong George and Sarah are being through all of this. I keep thinking in my head "How are we going to get through this?" But I know that as long as we lean on each other and lean on the love and support from family and friends, we can do this and we can get our Dad better. These next few weeks will be the most exhausting I think. The many ups and downs of this type of injury. I never realized what people go through. I never wanted to know. But here we are. Taking turns keeping vigil at the hospital. Hanging on every word the doctors say. Jumpy, anxious, scared out of our minds. We want our Dad to get better. He is being cared for by some amazing people. But humans aside, he is being cared for by God. And I need need need, everyone to pray. Pray for healing for Phil, pray for the people caring for him, pray for our family, pray for George and Sarah and Grandma and Grandpa. Pray for John. Pray for Maggie and Max. And let us lean, let us falter, let us meltdown. We will. But with the love and support we've been shown, we know that we can do this. Our "normal" will become something new. It will now be "normal" for us to be at the hospital daily, to spend nights there, our "normal" will never be the same. But we don't care what our "normal" becomes, as long as it is WITH Phil. Life is not normal without him in it. I love him so much. Please just everyone pray. pray. pray. pray.