Frustration

I wonder if there will be one single day in the near future that I will go to the mailbox and not have 1-4 medical bills. And I wonder how many trees Vidant has killed in sending my daily reminders of how much money if owed to them. And I do mean DAILY. And WHY do they have a different bill for EACH event? It's not per patient, it's per event. So every time there are like 3-4 bills from them. Seems a little over the top to me. Once a month like every other place would be fine. I feel like an old person. There's a shower seat in bathroom. There are pill boxes in the cabinet with not too distant memories of filling them with 12 medications at once. There is a big box of first aid and bandaging supplies. I deal with the insurance company more than I ever wanted to. Appointments for all kinds of stuff, neurologists, plastic surgeons, orthopedic surgeons. For the kids pediatricians. Me and my ENT and rheumatologist and neurologist and regular doctor. And dentists. And eye doctors. And I'm pretty sure I am suffering some PTSD. I'm not going to hide behind it anymore. I was in the house the other day with the windows open. And John was at his Grandad's house. I heard a child scream. Apparently it was the kid that the neighbor babysits. But it was a blood curdling scream (I think he's a dramatic kid) and my heart dropped into my stomach, I almost threw up, and I ran out the door in panic mode searching for my child. I'm pretty sure that is not normal. If George leaves the house for too long and doesn't asnwer his phone when I call, I panic. I say I want to get a job. And I do, because I love my education and have a passion for my area of expertise and we have medical bills like whoa, but the thought of leaving my children truly causes my heart to race. I feel like as long as I am in control and with them, I can protect them from harm. The thing about the PTSD is that I'm not depressed. I'm not SAD, I'm happy. I'm so happy that my husband is still with us. That he survived that event, that he kept his arm, and now that his arm is going to work. And I'm not even altogether a pessimist. I'm still a fairly optimistic person as far as how things will work out in the end. It's more the here and now. I'm always anxious. I'm always panicked. I'm always tired. I'm always afraid. Afraid to answer the phone. Please don't ever call me after 10 pm unless it's something serious. Because I will assume it's something horrible and have an anxiety attack before I answer the phone. Plus, I'm sleeping then. Maybe it will get better with time.